So this is what it feels like.

First thing:

Have you ever sat there watching your phone ring, not answering it because you don't want to talk to that person. They call again, you just let it ring. They send you a text, you ignore it.
I used to do this to people a lot. Especially people I knew who were pulling the "boy who cried wolf" card. I'd also do this to Jack after we got into a huge fight. Once he called 18 times before I finally called back.

Tonight I realized just how much it sucks to hear someone's voicemail when you know they are sitting there watching their phone ring. You feel empty inside and not good enough. You know that if you keep calling, they are just going to get more angry. So you fight back calling again, despite how much you need them.

I'm never going to just watch my phone ring while someone is trying to get a hold of me. Never.


Second thing:

The real reason why I'm not obsessed with Twilight like the rest of the world. The truth is at some point, I was. I read it my sophomore year for a project and then read the second book. They weren't the best books, but the third book would come out soon, so it was something to look forward to. I fell in love with the third book. I remember sitting at the beach with Olivia, rushing to read it. It took less than 24 hours I'm pretty sure.
After a month though, my obsession with the book and Edward ended. The reason why? I had my own Edward. I had my own reality that was so much better than some book could ever be. I mean sure, Edward was perfect in every single way, but he's just a fiction character. I had my own boy who was far better than Edward could ever possibly be. He was the perfect boy. Perfect in every way.

That's why I'm not obsessed with Twilight, because I didn't need some book to hide in.


Third thing:

I wish the world would stop feeding me crap. I know that pain goes away with time, God wouldn't put me through something I couldn't handle, I'll find someone better. Don't you think I've heard all this before? Of course I have. I've been hearing this crap since elementary school. If I could open up my heart to everyone, then maybe they'd understand, maybe then they'd actually start feeding me words I haven't heard before.
I want people to stop underestimating me. I want people to understand what I'm going through. I want people to stop pretending to be someone they aren't. And finally, I'm ready for someone to stick around. I stopped believing in best friends, because so far this year, one of them died, one of them broke my heart and ran for it, and one of them turned out to be a total liar. I'm ready for a best friend. FINALLY.

I know what I'm thankful for.

Tradition on Thanksgiving: going around the table telling what you're thankful for. Although we didn't do this at my house this year, I still wondered what am I thankful for? And I didn't know until just know. Sad, but true.
I was going to say I'm thankful for my friends, but then I realized how friends and family are something that you are just automatically thankful for. You don't have to think about it, you just know you are. I wanted to have something aside from that that I could say I was thankful for. So here it is: my brother.
Yeah, I know that he falls into family, but there is a whole extra thankfulness for him.

So this year we were at my dad's house for Thanksgiving and my grandma and brother we're going to be at my mom's house, so my sister and I went over there after we had dinner with my dad. My brother and I got into a HUGE argument and I stormed out. I then sat outside on the cold pavement pissed off.
After about 10 minutes, my brother came out, and we ended up having this really awesome, deep conversation. I told him about what was on my mind and my heart. We talked about how I lost 2 best friends this year, one who died and one who broke up with me without a reason.

Then my brother told me this: Jack isn't man enough to date his kid sister. It's his loss, because you're a really great girl. He took the easy way out by not admitting to his reason for breaking my heart. He's really immature. He pulled a real fucker move. It was shitty. There was a bunch more things that he said, but my favorite was at the end when he said he'd go kick his ass, he's over 18 now, so it's legal!

I know that a bunch of people have been saying the same things, but it just felt so different to hear my brother say them. And that fact that I could feel how serious and sincere my brother was, was amazing. We've never really had that kind of relationship, considering he's 28 and we never see each other.


Well, off to watch Ironman and prepare for shopping at 4 am :] Not shopping, just going for the fun of it. Yay to no sleeping! Until next time, goodbye reader.

PB&J without the bread.

I'm finally making sense of this. Nothing that can actually help me move forward, but still, making sense of one thing could eventually lead to the making sense of something bigger.
I finally understand why it never felt like Halloween and why it doesn't feel like Thanksgiving. Last year for almost the entire month of October, Jack and I searched and searched for the perfect costumes. We went to parties together and went trick or treating. This year, there was none of that. None of that prep, so Halloween came and went, and sometimes I even forget it has already passed.
This time last year, I was working on a list of reasons why I was thankful for Jack (as well as a separate list for everything). We had our own Thanksgiving before he went off to Arkansas for the break. This year, that isn't happening. So my mind can't connect that it's almost time for my favorite holiday.

I'm beginning to hate how much of my life has changed because of a boy. Today I was going to have a chill day cleaning out my room, but there were always things that would just pop out screaming "JACK JACK JACK". There was actually one time when my whole body started trembling and I fell to the ground. I almost had to be taken to the hospital, but then by the grace of God, I felt fine. I almost passed out a few times before that, but nothing serious.
This is affecting me physically now and I can't control it. I've really been trying to be okay, but it gets more and more difficult every second.

I know he's a jerk for KEEPING his reason from me. Yes, he is purposely not telling me why we broke up, because apparently it's just so funny to watch me suffer. I know that he's doing this, but my heart still feels the need to tell me every day "You love this boy more than life itself. You care for him more than you care for yourself. Just let him act how he wants, he'll see how terrible he's been." AGH! I just don't understand. I honestly at this point don't care if their is another girl, or if we were moving in separate directions, or if he didn't feel anything anymore, I just want SOME REASON. A dumb reason is better than none.

I feel like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without the bread, a mess in need of cleaning up, searching to find that thing that holds me together.
I once had it all together, but now, I'm not even sure how much of me is together.

Complaints.

You just need to understand something about me. I never move on from things. I can forget about them temporarily and can technically move on to something else, but I can NEVER forget what was there and what happened. I will hurt for the rest of my life for everything that has ever happened to me. It's just something that happens with me. I have an impeccable memory and when I think it's so amazing, it shows me something else I forgot and makes me hurt more and more.

It's that time of the year to go Christmas shopping, to find that special gift for that special someone. I had already picked out everything I had wanted to get for Jack, and it all felt perfect. Every single thing. I knew that they wouldn't just be gifts he pretended to like either or would just disregard. They were something that he would actually enjoy and use. But now, none of those things matter anymore. He's gone and even though I would still love to get those things for him, I know that he's moved on. He's happy.

He's happy! Why does he get to be happy while I sit here day after day trying to figure out what went wrong? He's the one who treated me like crap and was totally undeserving. I deserved so much better than him, but I stayed with him, because he needed me and I wanted to help him. I should have just broken up with him that day, but NO! He sat there crying his heart out, BEGGING for me to stay. And he's the one who gets to be happy? After all this time, don't I deserve to be happy and he be the one feeling like crap all the time? This isn't fair.

I think he's with someone else now. I think that was his reason for breaking it off, because there was someone else. I just wish I knew that was the reason. I just wish I could know why.

My heart and my life feel so empty. I've tried several things to fill that hole in my heart, but nothing is working. Nothing even comes close to filling any of it. The only thing that even seems to work, sadly, is doing things that Jack and I used to do together, or watching shows that we used to watch. Sure that stuff makes me sad, but it fills that hole. It makes me think that everything is back to normal, that he is here again. I know this isn't healthy or right, but it's the only thing that is filling the hole.

I'm pathetic. I know. I miss a boy who cares nothing about me anymore. I'm so madly in love with him that I still put up with his crap. I guess I just always wanted to feel needed, and then finally someone came along that needed me. My life has been different ever since I met him. I guess I always knew he needed me. Always knew something would happen. I guess I just never thought we'd end. That everything would end when he left.

My heart is breaking more everyday. I'm not getting better. I think I have chronic depression. I have insomnia and am up late every night, having nothing but time to think about what's happened in my life.

I miss Jack. I miss Chance. I miss my grandpa. I miss life. I miss love. I miss Jack some more.

Goodnight reader, until next time.