I've never been here before.

I've been making progress and then taking it all back and going back to step one. Then making more progress, screwing it back up, and going back to step one. Finally I thought I was making an extremely large step, but now I feel like crap again and like I'm about to go back to before even step one.

I started reading this book and kept thinking, woah, this is really helpful. I'm reading this book for a small group/devotional thing that Olivia and I are starting. It's a call from God that I never expected. I've never felt like I had that much purpose before. I know this is what I need to be doing and where I need to be, and I never would have done this had God not pushed me out into the open. Had my heart not been completely broken and shattered, I never would have realized that I needed to start this group. And I know that what God has me doing is going to be amazing and change the lives around me as well as myself, but I still hurt. And I still feel that pain every day.

I feel so dead inside. On Thursday night, Olivia and I picked out the book that we were going to use for this group of ours. We felt so alive and free. I felt so excited and happy and if nothing could go wrong. I really felt like I had a purpose. I still feel those things, they have just become numbness though. Everything is numb. Everything is dead. I don't understand this. I finally had something good going for me. I was doing what God wanted me to do. Why do I still feel numb to everything but Jack?

I haven't made any contact with Jack in one whole week. None. And it's killing me. Maybe that's why I feel so dead. Because he still means the world to me and it's been a month and a half since we broke up. I feel like I lose more and more of myself every day without him. What happens when I lose all of myself? I can't let that happen, but I don't know how to stop it from happening anymore. I feel so useless. I don't even know what to do, and I always know what to do. Almost always anyways. I've never been to this place before, and I have to admit, I'm scared. I'm terrified.