Spread the word, spread the word.

I know this is already on Facebook, but it just had to be here too.

It finally hit me today: I'm going to be a high school graduate in less than 4 months and will be headed off to college pretty soon.
At first I was pretty excited, but then I became nervous, and then I realized just how much I'm truly going to miss high school. You'll never experience anything like it again. You'll never be with all of these people again. In fact after graduation, after summer, you'll probably only end up talking to maybe 5 people from high school, if that.
Today I also realized how I've wanted to get to know so many different people, but never have even gone up to talk to them. We could have been really good friends. We could have hung out all the time. Alas, I will never know, unless I decide to finally go up and talk to them, which I am encouraging everyone one of you about to graduate to do.
This is our last year together, our last semester, so let's make it a good one.
Take risks.
Forgive people.
Be a friend to all.
And don't be afraid to be yourself.

I'm a dork, I know, and this probably was just a bunch of blah, but I know it will mean something to someone, and that's all that matters to me. Because even if I only help one person, at least I made a difference.

:]

Chilly nights bring lots of thoughts.

I have come to the conclusion that people suck and that I will no longer work harder to make other people happy when I'm not happy myself.
Today alone I have put at least 10 other people first and made sure that they were completely satisfied with where they were. I used to take comfort and delight in making other people happy.
I used to honestly want to put myself second to the world.
But now that I see how unhappy I am and how little I do for myself, I'm putting people last. Not first, not second, last. Sound harsh? No way. Check this out.
Whenever someone needs help or is having a rough day, they come to me and I immediately put whatever I'm doing aside and help them out. Boyfriend/girlfriend just broke up with you? I'll reassure you that things will get better without saying all that dumb stuff you've heard before. Feeling down about yourself? I'll write you a love letter than makes you feel a billion times better. Best friend got into a fight with you? I'll lend you my shoulder to cry on and listen to you vent.
But as soon as I need something, those people are gone. This has happened more than once and I can't do it anymore. I give so much and all people do is take, take, take. I mean I know that God put me here on this Earth for a reason and one of those reasons was to help those in need and expect nothing in return, and I've been doing it, but it's hard. If someone could just say "Hey, you're doing a really good thing, keep doing it." That'd be really helpful. Motivation is really what I need right about now.

I'm going to start putting myself first, because I haven't been truly happy in a really long time. I keep depending on other people to make me happy and it totally isn't happening. And when other people start making me happy, they always leave. People are always leaving my life and I don't know why. So I need a reliable source to make me happy: what better source then myself.

The little engine who could(n't).

I thought I could, I really thought I could, but I just can't try anymore.
I thought I had moved on from Jack or at least was on my way. I thought I could get by without thinking about him or whatever. In fact I've realized how big of a jerk he was and all the terrible things about him, but still, my heart longs for him. I miss him so much.
Tonight we were both at the same party, seeing each other for the first time in months. He ignored me and avoided me the whole night, I honestly thought things were better, that we could at least try being friends, but he still wants nothing to do with me. I wish I understood why. I wish I understood what I did. But I don't.

I'm breaking. And I think it might actually be worse than the first time.
I don't understand how everyone else is moving on and I'm still stuck here, wishing I had Jack back.

I hate my life.
I hate my feelings.
I hate being confused.
I hate everything.