Broken beyond repair.

Warning: this is another blog of teenage heartbreak. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I've been trying to figure things out lately. Things about myself, things about other people, events in my life, just everything.
I've been trying to figure out why I can hide my feelings so well from other people.
I've been trying to figure out why I can help a friend or person out always, but never know how to deal with my own life.
I've been trying to figure out why my friends are always so confident that I can do something, but when I fail miserably, they still think I can do it.
I've been trying to figure out why people I thought cared about me, can't even notice when I'm upset.
And most importantly, I've been trying to figure out why my heart still clings to a boy who shattered me.

I wasn't able to put the things he gave me away until about 3 weeks to a month ago (and he broke up with me about 3 months ago). I finally felt like I was headed in the right direction, but then it came to a point in my life where I absolutely needed him and no one else would do. Here's why: a year ago, we had to put my dog to sleep, it was a very tragic event, he was my best friend, I had him since I was a child, I don't want to talk about it, because it still hurts. Last year, he was here for me, he was the only one here for me in fact. He was super helpful, because he lost his best friend a few years before and knew exactly what I was going through.
I thought, surely, he'll help me out, at least for this week. He knows how much I need him right now, how much I just need someone telling me everything will be alright. He's been there, he knows what I need.
Well, turns out, I was wrong. I don't know why, but he's been completely heartless towards me. I still don't understand what happened, why we broke up, why we can't be friends. I've gone over it a hundred times and still can't figure it out.

So, after that event, I decided I had to move on. He's been a complete jerk and what he just pulled was the most heartless thing I've ever seen anyone do. So, I made a list. Two actually.
One list was reasons I don't need him in my life, while the other was reasons I do need him in my life.
I figured let's start with the reasons I do need him in my life, that'll probably be shorter. So I started writing, and writing, and writing, and when I finally stop, I notice that I'm at about 100. So I put the list down, because this is absolutely ridiculous, but my mind keeps pulling me back, again and again and again. Let's just say when I finished I had 124 legitimate reasons why he should be back in my life.
So then I start the list of reasons why I don't need him back in my life, hoping it will be longer, considering I'm doing this so I can move on from him. The end result: 22 reasons and some of them were extremely dumb.

I can't figure it out, but for some reason this doesn't feel right. I feel like I'm in a dream or something. I'm still terribly in love with a boy that broke my heart into a million, billion pieces. I thought that I could get passed him, move on, be content with life where I am, but it's turning out to be harder than I ever imagined.

I just don't understand it. When everything about a relationship feels right, how does it fail?

I've considered that he just wanted someone to pass the time with. But that didn't make sense. I thought maybe he just wanted someone to spend his senior year with, but then I realized, no, that's not it. What about someone to spend the summer with? No, that's not it either, because that summer we talked about breaking up (or a break or whatever) while he went away to college, that way we could still be friends if he did meet someone or whatever. But that can't be it either, because he rejected that idea, numerous times. He came down for homecoming and I swear there was another girl, but he said no, and I believed him. I do believe I even told him that if there was, I'd step away, because I don't want to hold him back from something or someone better. So I just don't understand what happened.

I know that I made mistakes during that relationship, but so did he. And I realize now how much I took him for granted, but I just can't understand any of this. And that's why I'm still clinging to him. That's why I'm still hopelessly in love with a boy who could care less about me.
But who could blame me? I found my perfect boy. I found true love. How many times does that happen in life? Once.

That's how I feel inside. That's what's going on in my life. That's why I'm not myself lately. That's what's been wrong with me for the last 3 months.


That's all I have to say. Night reader.