Thanks for being here my friend, we're gonna do this one together.

I can't believe I went a whole week without being on this thing. I can't believe how empty my life felt without it. I actually missed blogging.
Well I definitely didn't figure out who I was in a week and I'm definitely not anywhere closer to it, but I know that it's going to be a bumpy road and that I can't do it alone.

In less than 36 hours it will be the new year, and I can honestly say that I have never looked forward to anything as much as I am looking forward to 2009. This year has seriously been the worst year of my life, in all almost 18 years of my life, no year has ever been as difficult and heart breaking as this one.
So here's to 2009! I'm ready for you :]

Goodbye.

Well, I'm going away for a while.
I just can't share any more of my thoughts through writing anymore, because I never actually listen to myself. I need to figure out who I am and what I believe, and it needs to happen soon.
I realize in a few days I'll probably come back to this, I always do, but I really need to figure things out.

I'm finally doing what I've been wanting to do for a while now, figuring out exactly who I am.

Goodnight and goodbye.
Until next time reader.

All smiles from now on, mostly.

I'm going to be just fine.
Today when I passed Jack's house on my way home, I just laughed. I know that he is going to realize some day just what he lost, because they always do, and even if he never does, then I don't care.
I'm going to be just fine. In fact, I'm going to be better than fine, I'm going to be marvelous :]
Tonight was pretty much the best night I've had in a while, and I'm really glad I left my comfort zone and hung out with people I wouldn't normally. I am so in love with tonight :D
It has brought me to my senses. I hope anyways.

:]
Good night.

I'm no superman.

I'm not as strong as I thought I was.
I added him as my friend already. I hope he rejects it.
Then I'll know that he cares absolutely nothing about me and maybe my brain will finally realize that it needs to move on.
Speaking of moving on though, there's this boy that I might really like. I'm not sure yet and I don't want to make up my mind just yet. I think I'm going to make the first move though and ask him out on a date. Maybe.

Well, that's me for the day. It was an okay day. Not really. I don't know.

Until later, night.

Late hours of the night leave open room for writing.

Insomnia kicks me in the butt again. I can't sleep, my iPod is broken, I've watched every movie we own, and no one is awake.
So here I am, on my own personal blogger, blogging.
Well, tonight I did something I'm actually very proud of, but know I will soon regret. I deleted Jack as my friend on Facebook. It had gotten so bad that I would check his page almost every day, just to make sure he was still there. I had to delete him, he's not a part of my life anymore. At least the other people who just sit there will say hi if I said hi to them, he simply ignores me.
So tonight I deleted him as my virtual friend, something I'm going to have to try to keep him as, because I know I'm going to be trying to add him again soon.
But for now, I'm proud of myself.

I've been trying to figure a lot of things out lately and have come up with no conclusions. I'm beginning to question why I do some things. I think I like attention. I don't try enough. I'm never satisfied with who I am. I loved who I was two months ago, but then I became a shattered soul. Heck, I loved who I was last week, but something has changed since then and I can't quite figure it out.

I've started writing in my own personal journal again, which is a good thing since I'm not willing to share myself completely with the world wide web. It's also become a dream journal. I had a really weird dream the other night, but I can't remember it. I hope I wrote it down.

I realized tonight how much I missed out on this year. Well I guess I didn't miss out on much, but I never documented what I did. I was going through pictures from this year to remind myself of everything and almost every album I opened was filled with pictures of Jack and I. Most of them I could skip right over without giving a second glance, but then I came across one that completely shattered me. It was the most beautiful picture I had ever seen and I began to cry, because I spent my whole year with a boy who isn't even in my life anymore. That kind of sucked.

I don't really feel like anyone listens to me anymore, but then again I am sitting here at 3 AM talking about random things that no one really cares about. Hmm, I'm hungry. I suppose I will end this post now.

If your out there reading, I'm moving on. I realize I'm better than you and you never deserved someone like me. I just hope I can actually move on. I don't know why I haven't yet. Something must be wrong with me.

Good night reader.

Your perfect verse is just a lie you tell yourelf to help you get by.

I lost my love for winter and snow
about two months ago.
You took my heart when you left
I know I'll never forget.
I'll never forget any moment or dream
it's safe to say I'll remember everything.

Remember when we stayed up all night
or when you took away all my fright?
Remember when we first met
that's something I won't soon forget.
Remember how I called you pumpkin
or when we stole you a green bin?

My heart is still yours
even after you walked out that door.
This life of mine is empty
but I can't know, I'm "only seventeen."
You were my everything, my life
you said "I want you to be my wife."

I don't know what I've become
because all I am is numb.
Someday you'll see what it's like to feel down
but I'm hoping I won't be around.
My love for you still burns
and you're always where my head turns.

I know someday I'll find
someone worthy to stand beside.
We'll hold each others hands
while listening to our favorite bands.
We'll laugh and sing
and someday give each other rings.

Sure, I'll look happy and content
but my heart will still be broken and bent.
You were the one it was supposed to be
it was always gonna be you and me.
I guess it's safe to say you're not coming back
good thing you had already packed.

I have always and will always
love you for all of my days.
Your memories will always haunt
and I'm positive they'll taunt.
But darling dear
I just want you here.

So here's a hint I'm trying to give you:
I can't get by a moment without you.

Here we go, the season of love.

I hate winter. HATE.
It used to be my favorite season, because I love the cold and I love the snow. Today I even walked around in a tank top, that's how nice it felt to me.

Today was the perfect day. I had a great day teaching my preschoolers, then played some "football" with some pretty awesome dudes. Then I went to service and enjoyed myself. Then I hung around talking with some friends I haven't seen in a while, one of which I have the most ridiculous crush on ha. Then I went to Ben and Jerry's and Mellow Mushroom with Karl and Bryan and had an awesome time. Then I went to see Alice in Wonderland, which was great, and then Chris randomly sat with us, even though he didn't remember any of us. Which was just hilarious, not that you have any clue what I'm talking about. Then went to Starbucks and walked around downtown freaking people out. And now I'm at home watching Step Brothers. It was the perfect day.

But somehow, none of that matters anymore, because I just feel a lot of hate. I don't even know what it's toward either.
I guess I just realized today how lonely winter is without a lover now. The past two winters, I've had people here with me. And before that, it was just winter and wonderful. But now that I've gotten used to having someone I love with me around winter time, I miss that, and I want it back. I want someone to make a fire for me and snuggle up with me next to it for hours. I want to drink hot chocolate like no one's business with that special someone. I want to go Christmas shopping for hours to try to find the perfect gift for them. I want to kiss someone under the mistletoe. I want to kiss someone when the ball falls for the new year. I want to play in the first snow of the winter with a beautiful boy. I want to stay up all night talking on the phone with him, hoping that school will be canceled the next day. I want to go ice skating and hold hands and fall down together on purpose. I want to go to midnight service on Christmas Eve with that special boy. I want to wear his jacket, because mine isn't enough. I want to walk around in the cold, but not care about it, because I'm with the person I love. I want love.

I hate winter now and I know that the reasons I listed aren't very good reasons, but they are enough to have brought down the perfect day. Seriously, it was the perfect day. Another bad ending to a good day. Damn.

I've never been here before.

I've been making progress and then taking it all back and going back to step one. Then making more progress, screwing it back up, and going back to step one. Finally I thought I was making an extremely large step, but now I feel like crap again and like I'm about to go back to before even step one.

I started reading this book and kept thinking, woah, this is really helpful. I'm reading this book for a small group/devotional thing that Olivia and I are starting. It's a call from God that I never expected. I've never felt like I had that much purpose before. I know this is what I need to be doing and where I need to be, and I never would have done this had God not pushed me out into the open. Had my heart not been completely broken and shattered, I never would have realized that I needed to start this group. And I know that what God has me doing is going to be amazing and change the lives around me as well as myself, but I still hurt. And I still feel that pain every day.

I feel so dead inside. On Thursday night, Olivia and I picked out the book that we were going to use for this group of ours. We felt so alive and free. I felt so excited and happy and if nothing could go wrong. I really felt like I had a purpose. I still feel those things, they have just become numbness though. Everything is numb. Everything is dead. I don't understand this. I finally had something good going for me. I was doing what God wanted me to do. Why do I still feel numb to everything but Jack?

I haven't made any contact with Jack in one whole week. None. And it's killing me. Maybe that's why I feel so dead. Because he still means the world to me and it's been a month and a half since we broke up. I feel like I lose more and more of myself every day without him. What happens when I lose all of myself? I can't let that happen, but I don't know how to stop it from happening anymore. I feel so useless. I don't even know what to do, and I always know what to do. Almost always anyways. I've never been to this place before, and I have to admit, I'm scared. I'm terrified.

Here's the truth.

I'm not good. I'm far from it.

So here's the truth. Don't read if you plan on being judgmental or a complainer.

I'm on the edge, about to go insane (literally) any second now. I have so much stuff to get done in such a short period of time. I've already missed a deadline. I was supposed to have sent in my application for the honors college at MTSU already, but I didn't finish it in time. So now when I apply, it's for the less challenging college. I need to finish the normal application for MTSU soon as well. I need to finish all of my crap for NYU and sign up to take the SAT subject tests and send my application off. Thing is my parents are lying to me, telling me this shit about "we don't have money", but then they go and buy my sister another $80 worth of shit from Hollister. So I have to borrow $65 from my sister, give it to my dad to put on his credit card, then have him pay for the application fee, then pay my sister back when my check from Vanderbilt comes in. I have a 5 page research paper due in a week and I still don't have my topic picked out. I also have to read a book and write a paper on it due in a week. Also have an ecology project due in a week. Oh then there is the $100 and billions of papers I need to send off to Lambuth soon. I need to memorize my lines for the play soon. My mom is in the hospital from surgery, can't go to work for the next 6 weeks, so we're going to have to find a new way of getting by for a while. I realized today just how much I'm in love with some asshole who never cared for me. I think about him all day, everyday, every minute. I try not to, but then something comes up and automatically my brain takes me back to a memory of something we did. And it sucks. Tonight I found a letter I wrote him and just reading it I can see how much I loved him and still do love him, if you'd care to read it just ask me. I'm on the weirdest sleeping pattern ever. I have insomnia, but the past few days I've been sleeping all day. And now I'm back to not sleeping. I've got crazy dark deep circles under my eyes. I recently went through a crazy medical scare and am still recovering from it. I've also been on a weird eating schedule. I either eat a lot for a few days or don't eat at all for a few days. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I've watched a billion movies in the past week and haven't enjoyed any of them, not even one of my personal favorites, The Hulk, but then again I did see it with Jack, so maybe that's why. My photography is slipping. It has been since he left me. There's just no motivation or meaning behind the pictures anymore. I can't get anything done anymore and I fear that I'm not good enough for anything or anyone. I think about suicide quite often and it gets really bad at night. I've only cut myself once, I also tried burning myself then too, but thankfully I had someone there to stop me, but now that person is out of my life and I fear that no one else will have enough influence to stop me. He really meant the world to me and was one of the only people who truly had influence in my life. I hope he reads this, even though I know he won't. I'm going to have to be hospitalized soon if I don't get better.

I can't keep going. It hurts too much and this is a lot for someone to take in all at once.
I don't want you to feel sorry for me, I just want you to know what I'm going through.

This about sums it up.

"For a time I thought there was a thief among us
I thought I'd track him down but prior to my pursuit
The smoke had cleared and to my disbelief
There was no thief cause it was me
That lost you

I guess it’s safe to say you’re never coming back
And I understand why you wouldn’t want to
I guess it’s up to me to find a way to get to you

And there’s just one last thing that I have to say
As we reflect on the mess of all of this I’ve made
It was cowardice that made me push you away
I was so afraid cause you were so much better than me

And I can’t see you
Getting used to
Living in the midst of your perfection
And I’m so lost
How can you trust
Somewhere the sun is always shining?


And there’s just one last thing that I have to say
As we reflect on the mess of all of this I’ve made
It was cowardice that made me push you away
I was so afraid cause you were so much better than me

I guess it’s safe to say you’re never coming back"

I couldn't quite find the words to sum it up, but then I heard this song. It sums it all up, everything. The entire of my last year. If my 2008 were a song it would be There Was No Thief by Relient K.
Shit.