Here's the truth.

I'm not good. I'm far from it.

So here's the truth. Don't read if you plan on being judgmental or a complainer.

I'm on the edge, about to go insane (literally) any second now. I have so much stuff to get done in such a short period of time. I've already missed a deadline. I was supposed to have sent in my application for the honors college at MTSU already, but I didn't finish it in time. So now when I apply, it's for the less challenging college. I need to finish the normal application for MTSU soon as well. I need to finish all of my crap for NYU and sign up to take the SAT subject tests and send my application off. Thing is my parents are lying to me, telling me this shit about "we don't have money", but then they go and buy my sister another $80 worth of shit from Hollister. So I have to borrow $65 from my sister, give it to my dad to put on his credit card, then have him pay for the application fee, then pay my sister back when my check from Vanderbilt comes in. I have a 5 page research paper due in a week and I still don't have my topic picked out. I also have to read a book and write a paper on it due in a week. Also have an ecology project due in a week. Oh then there is the $100 and billions of papers I need to send off to Lambuth soon. I need to memorize my lines for the play soon. My mom is in the hospital from surgery, can't go to work for the next 6 weeks, so we're going to have to find a new way of getting by for a while. I realized today just how much I'm in love with some asshole who never cared for me. I think about him all day, everyday, every minute. I try not to, but then something comes up and automatically my brain takes me back to a memory of something we did. And it sucks. Tonight I found a letter I wrote him and just reading it I can see how much I loved him and still do love him, if you'd care to read it just ask me. I'm on the weirdest sleeping pattern ever. I have insomnia, but the past few days I've been sleeping all day. And now I'm back to not sleeping. I've got crazy dark deep circles under my eyes. I recently went through a crazy medical scare and am still recovering from it. I've also been on a weird eating schedule. I either eat a lot for a few days or don't eat at all for a few days. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I've watched a billion movies in the past week and haven't enjoyed any of them, not even one of my personal favorites, The Hulk, but then again I did see it with Jack, so maybe that's why. My photography is slipping. It has been since he left me. There's just no motivation or meaning behind the pictures anymore. I can't get anything done anymore and I fear that I'm not good enough for anything or anyone. I think about suicide quite often and it gets really bad at night. I've only cut myself once, I also tried burning myself then too, but thankfully I had someone there to stop me, but now that person is out of my life and I fear that no one else will have enough influence to stop me. He really meant the world to me and was one of the only people who truly had influence in my life. I hope he reads this, even though I know he won't. I'm going to have to be hospitalized soon if I don't get better.

I can't keep going. It hurts too much and this is a lot for someone to take in all at once.
I don't want you to feel sorry for me, I just want you to know what I'm going through.