"I’ve got another confession to make."

Every time I see you, I get butterflies.
Every time I hear your name, my heart leaps a thousand feet.
Every time your name pops up on my cell phone, I can't help but get the biggest smile ever.

I love you and I hope some day I can tell you, but until that day I'll just sit idly by and hope that you're happy.

I hope whoever holds your heart right now makes you happy. I hope she makes you feel the way I feel about you, because you deserve to feel this way. You deserve everything. You are the most amazing soul in my entire world. Words can not even begin to describe how wonderful you are (which is odd, because words are used for the sole purpose of describing.)

I hope someday I can share with you how I feel, because I've felt this way for years now, but I will continue to wait, because I don't want to lose you now, not when I need you the most.

I love you. I love you with everything that I am. I hope someday you will love me too.

Discovering the truth.

I'm not me without him.
I'm not happy without him.
I'm a blob in the world, a talking, walking blob.

I thought after 6 months, I wouldn't think about him as much, I couldn't care as much, I wouldn't love as much, but no, I think I think about him more, care about him more, and love him more now then I ever did when we were together. I've realized my mistakes and I've realized what I could have done differently.

I should have fought for him, for us, but instead all I did was cry to him. That's not fighting, that's being a little girl wanting to get her way.

I'm not strong. I'm not who I thought I was. I'm not sure I'll ever truly be okay without him in my life.
If he's reading this right now, I hope he can see how much I need him, how much I miss him. I love you and I know I will always love you, even on the worst days, I'll love you.

So maybe I have depression, but what's a girl supposed to do when she has no hope and the world is falling apart.

Love is a powerful action.

I think that there is a slight chance I'm falling in love.
In love with the world around me and people and objects and a beautiful, beautiful special person.
This time, I'm ready to fall flat on my face.
I'm ready to get hurt.
God is amazing and will always be there for me. With that in mind, how can I even begin to be afraid to fall?
I'm not afraid to put myself out there to the world anymore, because no matter what I will have my God behind me 100 percent of the way. He will never abandon me. He will never call me stupid. He will never laugh when I get hurt. He will always be loving and kind and whole-hearted. I am crazy in love with my Savior and know that through everything, I can always trust in Him.

So here I am world, I'm ready to fall.
Catch me or throw me to the ground.
I'm ready.

Times are changing and so am I.

I'm finally happy with who I am. I've discovered who I want to be and who I think God wants me to be, whether this is who I'm supposed to be forever or not, who knows.
Last week was Miss Liberty and since then my outlook on life has completely changed. I've made a bajillion new friends and I'm not afraid to just do something now. If I want to talk to someone, I'll do it, rather than spending 20 minutes whimpering and then deciding I don't want to talk to them.
This Sunday, my faith in God changed. I finally become a true believer and have started to live my life the way He wants me to.

Life is good :]

And yet, there's still that void. That hole in my life that sucks away all the happy. I need to find love. That's the only thing that will fill the void. Whether it be love with a person, with God, or with a hobby, I just need to find it somewhere, because the void sucks.

Blah, I'm so tired and can't think logically. So I think that's it.

Oh, also, random, some people really creep me out, so I avoid them. That's not wrong, is it?

Broken beyond repair.

Warning: this is another blog of teenage heartbreak. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I've been trying to figure things out lately. Things about myself, things about other people, events in my life, just everything.
I've been trying to figure out why I can hide my feelings so well from other people.
I've been trying to figure out why I can help a friend or person out always, but never know how to deal with my own life.
I've been trying to figure out why my friends are always so confident that I can do something, but when I fail miserably, they still think I can do it.
I've been trying to figure out why people I thought cared about me, can't even notice when I'm upset.
And most importantly, I've been trying to figure out why my heart still clings to a boy who shattered me.

I wasn't able to put the things he gave me away until about 3 weeks to a month ago (and he broke up with me about 3 months ago). I finally felt like I was headed in the right direction, but then it came to a point in my life where I absolutely needed him and no one else would do. Here's why: a year ago, we had to put my dog to sleep, it was a very tragic event, he was my best friend, I had him since I was a child, I don't want to talk about it, because it still hurts. Last year, he was here for me, he was the only one here for me in fact. He was super helpful, because he lost his best friend a few years before and knew exactly what I was going through.
I thought, surely, he'll help me out, at least for this week. He knows how much I need him right now, how much I just need someone telling me everything will be alright. He's been there, he knows what I need.
Well, turns out, I was wrong. I don't know why, but he's been completely heartless towards me. I still don't understand what happened, why we broke up, why we can't be friends. I've gone over it a hundred times and still can't figure it out.

So, after that event, I decided I had to move on. He's been a complete jerk and what he just pulled was the most heartless thing I've ever seen anyone do. So, I made a list. Two actually.
One list was reasons I don't need him in my life, while the other was reasons I do need him in my life.
I figured let's start with the reasons I do need him in my life, that'll probably be shorter. So I started writing, and writing, and writing, and when I finally stop, I notice that I'm at about 100. So I put the list down, because this is absolutely ridiculous, but my mind keeps pulling me back, again and again and again. Let's just say when I finished I had 124 legitimate reasons why he should be back in my life.
So then I start the list of reasons why I don't need him back in my life, hoping it will be longer, considering I'm doing this so I can move on from him. The end result: 22 reasons and some of them were extremely dumb.

I can't figure it out, but for some reason this doesn't feel right. I feel like I'm in a dream or something. I'm still terribly in love with a boy that broke my heart into a million, billion pieces. I thought that I could get passed him, move on, be content with life where I am, but it's turning out to be harder than I ever imagined.

I just don't understand it. When everything about a relationship feels right, how does it fail?

I've considered that he just wanted someone to pass the time with. But that didn't make sense. I thought maybe he just wanted someone to spend his senior year with, but then I realized, no, that's not it. What about someone to spend the summer with? No, that's not it either, because that summer we talked about breaking up (or a break or whatever) while he went away to college, that way we could still be friends if he did meet someone or whatever. But that can't be it either, because he rejected that idea, numerous times. He came down for homecoming and I swear there was another girl, but he said no, and I believed him. I do believe I even told him that if there was, I'd step away, because I don't want to hold him back from something or someone better. So I just don't understand what happened.

I know that I made mistakes during that relationship, but so did he. And I realize now how much I took him for granted, but I just can't understand any of this. And that's why I'm still clinging to him. That's why I'm still hopelessly in love with a boy who could care less about me.
But who could blame me? I found my perfect boy. I found true love. How many times does that happen in life? Once.

That's how I feel inside. That's what's going on in my life. That's why I'm not myself lately. That's what's been wrong with me for the last 3 months.


That's all I have to say. Night reader.

Spread the word, spread the word.

I know this is already on Facebook, but it just had to be here too.

It finally hit me today: I'm going to be a high school graduate in less than 4 months and will be headed off to college pretty soon.
At first I was pretty excited, but then I became nervous, and then I realized just how much I'm truly going to miss high school. You'll never experience anything like it again. You'll never be with all of these people again. In fact after graduation, after summer, you'll probably only end up talking to maybe 5 people from high school, if that.
Today I also realized how I've wanted to get to know so many different people, but never have even gone up to talk to them. We could have been really good friends. We could have hung out all the time. Alas, I will never know, unless I decide to finally go up and talk to them, which I am encouraging everyone one of you about to graduate to do.
This is our last year together, our last semester, so let's make it a good one.
Take risks.
Forgive people.
Be a friend to all.
And don't be afraid to be yourself.

I'm a dork, I know, and this probably was just a bunch of blah, but I know it will mean something to someone, and that's all that matters to me. Because even if I only help one person, at least I made a difference.

:]

Chilly nights bring lots of thoughts.

I have come to the conclusion that people suck and that I will no longer work harder to make other people happy when I'm not happy myself.
Today alone I have put at least 10 other people first and made sure that they were completely satisfied with where they were. I used to take comfort and delight in making other people happy.
I used to honestly want to put myself second to the world.
But now that I see how unhappy I am and how little I do for myself, I'm putting people last. Not first, not second, last. Sound harsh? No way. Check this out.
Whenever someone needs help or is having a rough day, they come to me and I immediately put whatever I'm doing aside and help them out. Boyfriend/girlfriend just broke up with you? I'll reassure you that things will get better without saying all that dumb stuff you've heard before. Feeling down about yourself? I'll write you a love letter than makes you feel a billion times better. Best friend got into a fight with you? I'll lend you my shoulder to cry on and listen to you vent.
But as soon as I need something, those people are gone. This has happened more than once and I can't do it anymore. I give so much and all people do is take, take, take. I mean I know that God put me here on this Earth for a reason and one of those reasons was to help those in need and expect nothing in return, and I've been doing it, but it's hard. If someone could just say "Hey, you're doing a really good thing, keep doing it." That'd be really helpful. Motivation is really what I need right about now.

I'm going to start putting myself first, because I haven't been truly happy in a really long time. I keep depending on other people to make me happy and it totally isn't happening. And when other people start making me happy, they always leave. People are always leaving my life and I don't know why. So I need a reliable source to make me happy: what better source then myself.

The little engine who could(n't).

I thought I could, I really thought I could, but I just can't try anymore.
I thought I had moved on from Jack or at least was on my way. I thought I could get by without thinking about him or whatever. In fact I've realized how big of a jerk he was and all the terrible things about him, but still, my heart longs for him. I miss him so much.
Tonight we were both at the same party, seeing each other for the first time in months. He ignored me and avoided me the whole night, I honestly thought things were better, that we could at least try being friends, but he still wants nothing to do with me. I wish I understood why. I wish I understood what I did. But I don't.

I'm breaking. And I think it might actually be worse than the first time.
I don't understand how everyone else is moving on and I'm still stuck here, wishing I had Jack back.

I hate my life.
I hate my feelings.
I hate being confused.
I hate everything.