So this is what it feels like.

First thing:

Have you ever sat there watching your phone ring, not answering it because you don't want to talk to that person. They call again, you just let it ring. They send you a text, you ignore it.
I used to do this to people a lot. Especially people I knew who were pulling the "boy who cried wolf" card. I'd also do this to Jack after we got into a huge fight. Once he called 18 times before I finally called back.

Tonight I realized just how much it sucks to hear someone's voicemail when you know they are sitting there watching their phone ring. You feel empty inside and not good enough. You know that if you keep calling, they are just going to get more angry. So you fight back calling again, despite how much you need them.

I'm never going to just watch my phone ring while someone is trying to get a hold of me. Never.


Second thing:

The real reason why I'm not obsessed with Twilight like the rest of the world. The truth is at some point, I was. I read it my sophomore year for a project and then read the second book. They weren't the best books, but the third book would come out soon, so it was something to look forward to. I fell in love with the third book. I remember sitting at the beach with Olivia, rushing to read it. It took less than 24 hours I'm pretty sure.
After a month though, my obsession with the book and Edward ended. The reason why? I had my own Edward. I had my own reality that was so much better than some book could ever be. I mean sure, Edward was perfect in every single way, but he's just a fiction character. I had my own boy who was far better than Edward could ever possibly be. He was the perfect boy. Perfect in every way.

That's why I'm not obsessed with Twilight, because I didn't need some book to hide in.


Third thing:

I wish the world would stop feeding me crap. I know that pain goes away with time, God wouldn't put me through something I couldn't handle, I'll find someone better. Don't you think I've heard all this before? Of course I have. I've been hearing this crap since elementary school. If I could open up my heart to everyone, then maybe they'd understand, maybe then they'd actually start feeding me words I haven't heard before.
I want people to stop underestimating me. I want people to understand what I'm going through. I want people to stop pretending to be someone they aren't. And finally, I'm ready for someone to stick around. I stopped believing in best friends, because so far this year, one of them died, one of them broke my heart and ran for it, and one of them turned out to be a total liar. I'm ready for a best friend. FINALLY.

I know what I'm thankful for.

Tradition on Thanksgiving: going around the table telling what you're thankful for. Although we didn't do this at my house this year, I still wondered what am I thankful for? And I didn't know until just know. Sad, but true.
I was going to say I'm thankful for my friends, but then I realized how friends and family are something that you are just automatically thankful for. You don't have to think about it, you just know you are. I wanted to have something aside from that that I could say I was thankful for. So here it is: my brother.
Yeah, I know that he falls into family, but there is a whole extra thankfulness for him.

So this year we were at my dad's house for Thanksgiving and my grandma and brother we're going to be at my mom's house, so my sister and I went over there after we had dinner with my dad. My brother and I got into a HUGE argument and I stormed out. I then sat outside on the cold pavement pissed off.
After about 10 minutes, my brother came out, and we ended up having this really awesome, deep conversation. I told him about what was on my mind and my heart. We talked about how I lost 2 best friends this year, one who died and one who broke up with me without a reason.

Then my brother told me this: Jack isn't man enough to date his kid sister. It's his loss, because you're a really great girl. He took the easy way out by not admitting to his reason for breaking my heart. He's really immature. He pulled a real fucker move. It was shitty. There was a bunch more things that he said, but my favorite was at the end when he said he'd go kick his ass, he's over 18 now, so it's legal!

I know that a bunch of people have been saying the same things, but it just felt so different to hear my brother say them. And that fact that I could feel how serious and sincere my brother was, was amazing. We've never really had that kind of relationship, considering he's 28 and we never see each other.


Well, off to watch Ironman and prepare for shopping at 4 am :] Not shopping, just going for the fun of it. Yay to no sleeping! Until next time, goodbye reader.

PB&J without the bread.

I'm finally making sense of this. Nothing that can actually help me move forward, but still, making sense of one thing could eventually lead to the making sense of something bigger.
I finally understand why it never felt like Halloween and why it doesn't feel like Thanksgiving. Last year for almost the entire month of October, Jack and I searched and searched for the perfect costumes. We went to parties together and went trick or treating. This year, there was none of that. None of that prep, so Halloween came and went, and sometimes I even forget it has already passed.
This time last year, I was working on a list of reasons why I was thankful for Jack (as well as a separate list for everything). We had our own Thanksgiving before he went off to Arkansas for the break. This year, that isn't happening. So my mind can't connect that it's almost time for my favorite holiday.

I'm beginning to hate how much of my life has changed because of a boy. Today I was going to have a chill day cleaning out my room, but there were always things that would just pop out screaming "JACK JACK JACK". There was actually one time when my whole body started trembling and I fell to the ground. I almost had to be taken to the hospital, but then by the grace of God, I felt fine. I almost passed out a few times before that, but nothing serious.
This is affecting me physically now and I can't control it. I've really been trying to be okay, but it gets more and more difficult every second.

I know he's a jerk for KEEPING his reason from me. Yes, he is purposely not telling me why we broke up, because apparently it's just so funny to watch me suffer. I know that he's doing this, but my heart still feels the need to tell me every day "You love this boy more than life itself. You care for him more than you care for yourself. Just let him act how he wants, he'll see how terrible he's been." AGH! I just don't understand. I honestly at this point don't care if their is another girl, or if we were moving in separate directions, or if he didn't feel anything anymore, I just want SOME REASON. A dumb reason is better than none.

I feel like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without the bread, a mess in need of cleaning up, searching to find that thing that holds me together.
I once had it all together, but now, I'm not even sure how much of me is together.

Complaints.

You just need to understand something about me. I never move on from things. I can forget about them temporarily and can technically move on to something else, but I can NEVER forget what was there and what happened. I will hurt for the rest of my life for everything that has ever happened to me. It's just something that happens with me. I have an impeccable memory and when I think it's so amazing, it shows me something else I forgot and makes me hurt more and more.

It's that time of the year to go Christmas shopping, to find that special gift for that special someone. I had already picked out everything I had wanted to get for Jack, and it all felt perfect. Every single thing. I knew that they wouldn't just be gifts he pretended to like either or would just disregard. They were something that he would actually enjoy and use. But now, none of those things matter anymore. He's gone and even though I would still love to get those things for him, I know that he's moved on. He's happy.

He's happy! Why does he get to be happy while I sit here day after day trying to figure out what went wrong? He's the one who treated me like crap and was totally undeserving. I deserved so much better than him, but I stayed with him, because he needed me and I wanted to help him. I should have just broken up with him that day, but NO! He sat there crying his heart out, BEGGING for me to stay. And he's the one who gets to be happy? After all this time, don't I deserve to be happy and he be the one feeling like crap all the time? This isn't fair.

I think he's with someone else now. I think that was his reason for breaking it off, because there was someone else. I just wish I knew that was the reason. I just wish I could know why.

My heart and my life feel so empty. I've tried several things to fill that hole in my heart, but nothing is working. Nothing even comes close to filling any of it. The only thing that even seems to work, sadly, is doing things that Jack and I used to do together, or watching shows that we used to watch. Sure that stuff makes me sad, but it fills that hole. It makes me think that everything is back to normal, that he is here again. I know this isn't healthy or right, but it's the only thing that is filling the hole.

I'm pathetic. I know. I miss a boy who cares nothing about me anymore. I'm so madly in love with him that I still put up with his crap. I guess I just always wanted to feel needed, and then finally someone came along that needed me. My life has been different ever since I met him. I guess I always knew he needed me. Always knew something would happen. I guess I just never thought we'd end. That everything would end when he left.

My heart is breaking more everyday. I'm not getting better. I think I have chronic depression. I have insomnia and am up late every night, having nothing but time to think about what's happened in my life.

I miss Jack. I miss Chance. I miss my grandpa. I miss life. I miss love. I miss Jack some more.

Goodnight reader, until next time.

Rock, paper, scissors.

Every day it gets harder. I still always think about and always talk about Jack. I just can't escape him.
It's hard to move on when all of my most recent experiences, he was there or had some sort of influence. He changed me. He introduced me to new things. When I'm listening to music off of my iPod I always find that I am listening to a band that he introduced me to, that his favorite songs have become my favorite songs. When I turn on the television late at night to find something to do, I always find myself watching some episode of a show that we've seen a thousand times or that I'm watching a show I first saw with him. I went to the bookstore the other day and do you know what books I looked at? Books that he's read, that he would enjoy.
He's still there in my life, every day, all day. And when I say all day, I do mean ALL DAY.
I have insomnia, so I get little to no sleep each night. I didn't have insomnia until I met him. He had insomnia and one night we started talking because I couldn't sleep either, that was actually how we met. Once we started to date, I really wanted to be able to help him in any way that I could. So I would stay up with him each night until he fell asleep, eventually he started falling asleep earlier and earlier, until finally he started being able to sleep at a normal hour. But somehow from all of those nights stay up late, my body got used to not sleeping, and in some weird way, I then had insomnia. It's worse now then it's ever been, but that's probably just from all of the stress.

I feel like there is no way to move on, because there is no way to escape the memories of Jack. Even though he doesn't talk to me anymore, he still is almost number one in my life. There is just no way to move on. It feels impossible.

When I wake up in the morning and see that I have new message, I am reminded of when those messages were from him, so sweet and so sincere. When I brush my teeth, I am reminded of all those times that he called when I was brushing my teeth and would talk to him while doing so. He always thought it was cute. When I put my converse on, I am reminded of how we have the same shoes and people would always point out how we match. When I go to school, I am reminded of how he used to be there and how he'd be in the same building as me. When I go to theater class, I am reminded of how he was in that class with me. When I go to lunch, I am reminded of those times that he would come to visit me, sometimes leaving sweet notes with him. When I'm driving in my car, I am reminded of how I used to always drive to his house. When I pass his house, I am reminded of every time that I have turned into his driveway and especially of the last time we left his driveway, right before he left for college. I could keep going on and on, but this is only making me feel worse.

Writing was supposed to be a way for me to get these feelings out and feel better about things. But now writing seems to be poisoned by the boy that once and still does hold my heart.

That's all I have to say. For those of you out there reading, thanks for putting up with me and thank you even more for offering your words of wisdom. I may not always agree with you, but I still am very grateful that I have people out there trying to help me.

Goodbye reader.

I deserve this.

"Dear Courtney,
It is my pleasure to inform you of your acceptance to Lambuth University."

I've been waiting for this letter my whole life. Not necessarily from Lambuth, but that letter that says finally, you're about to start the rest of your life.
At first I was going to go to Lambuth because New York was too far a reach. But then I wanted to go to Lambuth because that's where my boyfriend went. But then I actually wanted to go for me, because it was a great school and I could get in.
Now New York doesn't seem so far a reach, and that boyfriend that I was going to go for turned out to be a complete asshole, and now I'm not so sure I want to go for me.

BUT I am really excited because Lambuth is number two on my list of two. New York University comes first :]

I just wanted to let whoever is reading this know that I was accepted to my number two school! :]

I am an idiot.

Caution: this blog contains a 17 year old girl's heart breaking and her pouring her feelings out. Only read if you want to hear complaints and possible nagging.

I don't know why I didn't see it until now, but I am an idiot. I put time and effort into people who could honestly care less about me. I always try harder than I need to and I always do things for people because I think they need me.
They don't. If you've lived without someone for your whole life and you've been fine without them, then surely you can be fine without them again once their gone.

He came into my life like a lightning bolt, quick and painless. And he left exactly the same way. Who knew that a lightning bolt could be both a good sign and a bad?
He was God sent. He came and saved me when I was on the edge of death. I was going through the worst depression of my life, one that constrained me to my bed for 3 days. He was nice and caring and the best thing to ever happen to me. He was my everything for almost a year and a half, but then he left without reason and has been gone ever since.
I was all too kind and nice to him, because I wanted him to stick around and I was head over heels in love. I was truly in love, something that I believe you go through once in your life. Sure you can find love anywhere, but how many times can you find true love? ONCE. That's it. And my true love walked out the door and said I was "too much to handle" and that he "didn't love" me anymore.
How does that happen?
The week before I went up to visit him and I broke up with him. Honestly, I did. But he sat on his bed in his dorm, curled up into a ball like a baby, crying his heart out, incapable of moving. He told me no, don't leave, I need you, you're the best thing to ever happen to me. I love you Courtney, please don't do this. I watched him crying there for an hour and I comforted him, but didn't change my mind. When I was finally about to leave, I could see how much this pained him, so I took it back. I took back those words of "I can't be with you anymore. It's over." I took it back, because I could see how much he loved me and needed me. I could see that he truly loved me and that he wanted it to work, and would do anything to make it work. I could see all that in his hour of weakness.
Next day it's our one year, 5 month anniversary. So I get a text message, like I have been every month on our anniversary since the beginning of our relationship. The message is quite long, but basically the message ends like this "I am so proud of us that we have made it for so long and I hope so dearly that we can make it last. Happy anniversary Courtney darling."
One week passes, he breaks up with me. Oh wait, the best part is that same day, he was telling me how much he was glad I stayed with him and how happy he was.
WHERE DID I GO WRONG? WHAT CHANGED?
How do things go from all of that, to nothing?

He left my life that day. We haven't talked much since. I've tried talking to him, but he just ignores me.

I needed to let whoever reads this know that. Because if you can make any sense out of it, then I need you to help me understand. Please, help me.

A big black hole in the middle of beauty.

I was on my way to the most beautiful place in the world. It was so close I could almost touch it. Little did I know, there was a huge black hole that I was about to fall into. I was so focused on that beautiful place 20 feet away that I didn't notice anything else.
I was sucked into the black hole and I don't know how to get out. The power of this hole becomes more and more strong the longer I am trapped here. The only way out seems to be time.

It's been 3 weeks since I've talked to Jack. I honestly thought that I was getting better and was going to be okay. I had people there to help me get through it, but then I accidentally confused my feelings with one of them and started to like them as more than just a friend. And then the world exploded. Literally. Everything has changed.
I went back to that day that my heart broke and my whole life caught up with me in that moment, and this time, there was no one there to save me. To help me escape that black hole.

If you've read this, then I need you. I need you every day, all day. And if you're up for the challenge, then please, let me know. Because I need someone here for me always. I can't do this alone anymore and I can't do this with people only here sometimes.
But first, if you're going to sit there and tell me that everything is going to be fine or yell at me about my way of going about this, then I don't want your help. I know that sounds rude and mean, but you just have to understand that you're going to be my influence and that's not the sort of influence I want.

I love you all. Thank you so much for being there for me. Are you up for the challenge?

A loss of all feeling.

I don't know how to express the way I'm feeling other than to say that it feels like complete and utter emptiness.
And I don't know of any way that I can get better, because everything seems to have changed.
I'm scared and losing hope.
Help me, please.

The gray skies are now clear.

I can finally see that silver lining. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. The world isn't all dark, there are just a few places we must go through to get to where we are supposed to be. Sometimes those dark places are bigger than others, but surprisingly I've managed to get out of the dark in a short time.
I am truly happy. I might even dare to say I haven't been this happy in almost a year and a half, but that's just me daring to THINK something. I am not saying that. At least not yet anyways.

Tonight has been that surprise and prayer I've been waiting for. My eyes are finally open to all the possibilities and opportunities that the world has waiting for me. Plus, karma has been great to me. I'm finally getting what I deserve while he too gets what he deserves. Although I feel bad for him, I can't help feeling happy for myself. I got what I wanted. Well for the most part.

My dark and stormy sky is finally starting to clear up. And there is a beautiful rainbow waiting for me near by. And to be completely honest, I couldn't be more excited :]

Superman.

I decided today that I'm going to be okay. Whether it happens sooner or later, I know eventually I'll be just fine.
Someday he'll realize his mistake, but I'll already be gone. And I won't regret anything.
He'll have to deal with this someday, because right now it's me that's hurting while he's out having a grand old time. But that's fine with me, because I'll get to be happier longer.
I'm a great girl, but maybe I wasn't supposed to be his girl anymore, because there was someone else who needed me. And if that's why all of this is happening, then I'm excited.
And if not, then so be it. But I know that someday he's going to regret ever hurting me and it's going to kill him. And he's going to realize exactly what he lost. And it's going to kill him. Someday he's going to see how good I was to him even though he was so ungrateful. And it's going to kill him.
No one will ever love or care for him as much as I did. And I know that. I do, so don't try changing the way I think.

Last night I hung out with two very amazing (although perverted) and caring people. My friendship with one of them grew so much last night and I'm so excited that I now have a friend who I can share everything with. I know he won't judge me and I've never met anyone like that before. It's people like him that make me want to believe that the world is perfect and that heroes exist.

Hanging by a string.

I'm hanging on his every word. I can't stop.
Today I decided, alright, this is it. Get over it. You can do it.
I hung out with a friend for the first time in a long time, but my mind was always somewhere else. Always with him. It's always there, and has been for almost two years now. How can I just move my mind some place else?

I just don't understand how things can change so quickly. I went to go see him and he was so in love and happy and didn't want me to leave. Then the next week everything just ends. Apparently it never worked. REALLY? That's the lie I get? How did it work for over a year if things weren't working?
Also, lie number two: how do you stop loving someone the day you tell them you'll love them forever? How does that work exactly? I understand that forever is a lie, but was I really expected to believe that everything you ever said was a lie?

I just need to know the truth, because so far all I've heard is lies. How can I ever move on if I never know the truth?

I'm hanging by everything that has happened in the past year and a half. I'm hanging by the moment we met. I'm hanging by how you saved me. I'm hanging by the last time I saw you. I'm hanging and waiting for someone to cut me down and make me happy.

I'd rather it be you than anyone else, but if it's not, I'll understand. At least I won't be choking anymore. This string is about to suffocate me.

Back to square one.

I thought I was getting better. I really did.
I was doing everything right. I put my priorities in line, I did things for me, I thought I did well.
I cleaned my room, I watched movies, I read, I started writing again, but even through all of that, I still can't forget.

I can't forget how it all began. I can't forget all the comments you left. I can't forget every note you wrote me. I can't forget waking up every morning to a text from you. I can't forget talking to you every night before I went to bed. I can't forget that you rescued me from the darkest place I've ever been. I can't forget that you changed some of your bad habits because of me. I can't forget the things we said we'd do, but never got around to. I can't forget what I wrote in your yearbook. I can't forget spending the best summer of my life with you. I can't forget playing more video games in one day than I have my entire life combined. I can't forget rushing home and coming up with dumb reasons for being late. I can't forget coming back to your house and having to watch out for the bunnies. I can't forget laughing with you. I can't forget fighting with you. I can't forget crying with you. I can't forget any of it.

Today it all came back to me and I realized I'm not going to be okay like I thought I was. There is nothing that anyone can do or say to make me see otherwise, because I've heard it all.

I've already realized exactly what everyone is telling me, and I already got over everything and was moving on. But then because I was getting better, people stopped to care. I can't pretend to be happy just because people hate to see me upset. I can't pretend anymore.

I hurt and I want him back more than I want anything else. I want him to see how great we've been and how bad all this is hurting me. I want him to know that this isn't right.

I'm back to square one, but I'll come around.

I want it all.

This was posted on November 7, 2008.

But who can blame me?
Don't we all want it all?

I'm finally the person I've always wanted to be. I've finally got my priorities in line and know exactly what to do and what to say. I can think things out and see exactly the way they'll go. I can see when a friend is hurt and needs a hug. I can see when I'm about to go too far.I love the flaws in people. I can see that I give my heart away to everyone, sometimes I get hurt, but I know I've changed a life. I can and do change lives everyday, and when you're older, you'll see that. You'll see exactly the impact I had on you. I've made you a better person.

I curse too much. I get angry all too easily. I make jokes that should never be said.I listen to bad music and sing it often. I'll interrupt a conversation to say something totally unnecessary. I'm a procrastinator and don't do my homework or study. I have terrible obsessive compulsive disorder. I can get a little controlling. I hate people for no reason, but then see how terrible I'm being. I'll stick a prank note in your locker just to watch your reaction. I talk about people behind their backs.

I've working on fixing my bad behaviors. And keeping the good ones. I've got my amazing old friends who have been there for me through a lot. I've got my new friends who have surprisingly been the most helpful and caring over the last two weeks. I've got friends who I turned my back on, but accepted me with open arms.

The only thing missing in all of this is him. The boy that I gave my entire heart too. The boy that I loved to the ends of the earth. The boy that I cared for more than I cared for myself. The boy that I knew I would protect and care for until the end of time. He's the only thing missing in this wonderful bliss called my life.

I'm getting better, I know I am. It doesn't hurt nearly as much and I know that there is so much better out there. And that in time, someone incredible will come along. But what happens when you don't want better? When you want to be with someone that isn't the best for you? I can move on and live with someone else, but I know I can't live without him.

I've recently come back to God after being an atheist for 4 months. I'm so amazed at what he's already done for me in the short time that I've come back to Him. He's definitely helped me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just need to start praying for patience. Because I can see the long road in front of me, and it's filled with curves, bumps, and hills.

This is just a collection of my thoughts. So if you sat here and read it, well then you know what I'm thinking :]

Amazed.

This was posted on November 2, 2008.

Tonight has me absolutely amazed.

Back in July I went to Mountain T.O.P. and on the last night, I got up in front of this huge crowd of at least 200 almost strangers, and told them what I was going on in my life. The subject to which I was addressing "what are you going to take off the mountain with you?" I started telling everyone about a friend back home whom I had known forever and had gotten into some really bad stuff, and how when I came back I was going to be there for her and I asked everyone to pray that she would be okay and come to know God.

Tonight, we were having a really deep conversation and she said something that just really stuck. She said "You know this is a really good thing for you to be going through. It's just so cool to see the way God works, even when it doesn't make sense to us. It's just so amazing." It was at that moment that I realized my prayer in July was answered and that she honestly was in love with her savior.

I've just recently come back to God, so I'm just so amazed. I've become so inspired. Because now I truly know that God really listens to every prayer. Every single one. And even if you only prayer for something once, and even if it's brief, he still listens and will do something about it. Even if it's not the something you wanted, you'll be okay, and you'll see what is truly out there for you.

I was just so amazed and in awe that I had to share.