Complaints.

You just need to understand something about me. I never move on from things. I can forget about them temporarily and can technically move on to something else, but I can NEVER forget what was there and what happened. I will hurt for the rest of my life for everything that has ever happened to me. It's just something that happens with me. I have an impeccable memory and when I think it's so amazing, it shows me something else I forgot and makes me hurt more and more.

It's that time of the year to go Christmas shopping, to find that special gift for that special someone. I had already picked out everything I had wanted to get for Jack, and it all felt perfect. Every single thing. I knew that they wouldn't just be gifts he pretended to like either or would just disregard. They were something that he would actually enjoy and use. But now, none of those things matter anymore. He's gone and even though I would still love to get those things for him, I know that he's moved on. He's happy.

He's happy! Why does he get to be happy while I sit here day after day trying to figure out what went wrong? He's the one who treated me like crap and was totally undeserving. I deserved so much better than him, but I stayed with him, because he needed me and I wanted to help him. I should have just broken up with him that day, but NO! He sat there crying his heart out, BEGGING for me to stay. And he's the one who gets to be happy? After all this time, don't I deserve to be happy and he be the one feeling like crap all the time? This isn't fair.

I think he's with someone else now. I think that was his reason for breaking it off, because there was someone else. I just wish I knew that was the reason. I just wish I could know why.

My heart and my life feel so empty. I've tried several things to fill that hole in my heart, but nothing is working. Nothing even comes close to filling any of it. The only thing that even seems to work, sadly, is doing things that Jack and I used to do together, or watching shows that we used to watch. Sure that stuff makes me sad, but it fills that hole. It makes me think that everything is back to normal, that he is here again. I know this isn't healthy or right, but it's the only thing that is filling the hole.

I'm pathetic. I know. I miss a boy who cares nothing about me anymore. I'm so madly in love with him that I still put up with his crap. I guess I just always wanted to feel needed, and then finally someone came along that needed me. My life has been different ever since I met him. I guess I always knew he needed me. Always knew something would happen. I guess I just never thought we'd end. That everything would end when he left.

My heart is breaking more everyday. I'm not getting better. I think I have chronic depression. I have insomnia and am up late every night, having nothing but time to think about what's happened in my life.

I miss Jack. I miss Chance. I miss my grandpa. I miss life. I miss love. I miss Jack some more.

Goodnight reader, until next time.