So this is what it feels like.

First thing:

Have you ever sat there watching your phone ring, not answering it because you don't want to talk to that person. They call again, you just let it ring. They send you a text, you ignore it.
I used to do this to people a lot. Especially people I knew who were pulling the "boy who cried wolf" card. I'd also do this to Jack after we got into a huge fight. Once he called 18 times before I finally called back.

Tonight I realized just how much it sucks to hear someone's voicemail when you know they are sitting there watching their phone ring. You feel empty inside and not good enough. You know that if you keep calling, they are just going to get more angry. So you fight back calling again, despite how much you need them.

I'm never going to just watch my phone ring while someone is trying to get a hold of me. Never.


Second thing:

The real reason why I'm not obsessed with Twilight like the rest of the world. The truth is at some point, I was. I read it my sophomore year for a project and then read the second book. They weren't the best books, but the third book would come out soon, so it was something to look forward to. I fell in love with the third book. I remember sitting at the beach with Olivia, rushing to read it. It took less than 24 hours I'm pretty sure.
After a month though, my obsession with the book and Edward ended. The reason why? I had my own Edward. I had my own reality that was so much better than some book could ever be. I mean sure, Edward was perfect in every single way, but he's just a fiction character. I had my own boy who was far better than Edward could ever possibly be. He was the perfect boy. Perfect in every way.

That's why I'm not obsessed with Twilight, because I didn't need some book to hide in.


Third thing:

I wish the world would stop feeding me crap. I know that pain goes away with time, God wouldn't put me through something I couldn't handle, I'll find someone better. Don't you think I've heard all this before? Of course I have. I've been hearing this crap since elementary school. If I could open up my heart to everyone, then maybe they'd understand, maybe then they'd actually start feeding me words I haven't heard before.
I want people to stop underestimating me. I want people to understand what I'm going through. I want people to stop pretending to be someone they aren't. And finally, I'm ready for someone to stick around. I stopped believing in best friends, because so far this year, one of them died, one of them broke my heart and ran for it, and one of them turned out to be a total liar. I'm ready for a best friend. FINALLY.