Rock, paper, scissors.

Every day it gets harder. I still always think about and always talk about Jack. I just can't escape him.
It's hard to move on when all of my most recent experiences, he was there or had some sort of influence. He changed me. He introduced me to new things. When I'm listening to music off of my iPod I always find that I am listening to a band that he introduced me to, that his favorite songs have become my favorite songs. When I turn on the television late at night to find something to do, I always find myself watching some episode of a show that we've seen a thousand times or that I'm watching a show I first saw with him. I went to the bookstore the other day and do you know what books I looked at? Books that he's read, that he would enjoy.
He's still there in my life, every day, all day. And when I say all day, I do mean ALL DAY.
I have insomnia, so I get little to no sleep each night. I didn't have insomnia until I met him. He had insomnia and one night we started talking because I couldn't sleep either, that was actually how we met. Once we started to date, I really wanted to be able to help him in any way that I could. So I would stay up with him each night until he fell asleep, eventually he started falling asleep earlier and earlier, until finally he started being able to sleep at a normal hour. But somehow from all of those nights stay up late, my body got used to not sleeping, and in some weird way, I then had insomnia. It's worse now then it's ever been, but that's probably just from all of the stress.

I feel like there is no way to move on, because there is no way to escape the memories of Jack. Even though he doesn't talk to me anymore, he still is almost number one in my life. There is just no way to move on. It feels impossible.

When I wake up in the morning and see that I have new message, I am reminded of when those messages were from him, so sweet and so sincere. When I brush my teeth, I am reminded of all those times that he called when I was brushing my teeth and would talk to him while doing so. He always thought it was cute. When I put my converse on, I am reminded of how we have the same shoes and people would always point out how we match. When I go to school, I am reminded of how he used to be there and how he'd be in the same building as me. When I go to theater class, I am reminded of how he was in that class with me. When I go to lunch, I am reminded of those times that he would come to visit me, sometimes leaving sweet notes with him. When I'm driving in my car, I am reminded of how I used to always drive to his house. When I pass his house, I am reminded of every time that I have turned into his driveway and especially of the last time we left his driveway, right before he left for college. I could keep going on and on, but this is only making me feel worse.

Writing was supposed to be a way for me to get these feelings out and feel better about things. But now writing seems to be poisoned by the boy that once and still does hold my heart.

That's all I have to say. For those of you out there reading, thanks for putting up with me and thank you even more for offering your words of wisdom. I may not always agree with you, but I still am very grateful that I have people out there trying to help me.

Goodbye reader.