I'm finally making sense of this. Nothing that can actually help me move forward, but still, making sense of one thing could eventually lead to the making sense of something bigger.
I finally understand why it never felt like Halloween and why it doesn't feel like Thanksgiving. Last year for almost the entire month of October, Jack and I searched and searched for the perfect costumes. We went to parties together and went trick or treating. This year, there was none of that. None of that prep, so Halloween came and went, and sometimes I even forget it has already passed.
This time last year, I was working on a list of reasons why I was thankful for Jack (as well as a separate list for everything). We had our own Thanksgiving before he went off to Arkansas for the break. This year, that isn't happening. So my mind can't connect that it's almost time for my favorite holiday.
I'm beginning to hate how much of my life has changed because of a boy. Today I was going to have a chill day cleaning out my room, but there were always things that would just pop out screaming "JACK JACK JACK". There was actually one time when my whole body started trembling and I fell to the ground. I almost had to be taken to the hospital, but then by the grace of God, I felt fine. I almost passed out a few times before that, but nothing serious.
This is affecting me physically now and I can't control it. I've really been trying to be okay, but it gets more and more difficult every second.
I know he's a jerk for KEEPING his reason from me. Yes, he is purposely not telling me why we broke up, because apparently it's just so funny to watch me suffer. I know that he's doing this, but my heart still feels the need to tell me every day "You love this boy more than life itself. You care for him more than you care for yourself. Just let him act how he wants, he'll see how terrible he's been." AGH! I just don't understand. I honestly at this point don't care if their is another girl, or if we were moving in separate directions, or if he didn't feel anything anymore, I just want SOME REASON. A dumb reason is better than none.
I feel like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without the bread, a mess in need of cleaning up, searching to find that thing that holds me together.
I once had it all together, but now, I'm not even sure how much of me is together.
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Courtney, I'm not going to tell you that he is a silly boy, I'm not going to tell you that it will all be ok, and I'm not going to tell you that there's other fish in the sea. I am going to tell you that he is crazy for ever even thinking of letting you go! You are amazing. You are smart. You deserve so much better. God would want you to be happy. He didn't put love on the earth for us to suffer like you, he did it to help us realize just a little of how much He loves us. God will help you through this, just look to Him. "I can do anything through Christ who strengthens me!" I know you've probably heard this verse many times like me, but if you really think about it, it is SO true!! We really have to get together before school starts! I love you.
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