Caution: this blog contains a 17 year old girl's heart breaking and her pouring her feelings out. Only read if you want to hear complaints and possible nagging.
I don't know why I didn't see it until now, but I am an idiot. I put time and effort into people who could honestly care less about me. I always try harder than I need to and I always do things for people because I think they need me.
They don't. If you've lived without someone for your whole life and you've been fine without them, then surely you can be fine without them again once their gone.
He came into my life like a lightning bolt, quick and painless. And he left exactly the same way. Who knew that a lightning bolt could be both a good sign and a bad?
He was God sent. He came and saved me when I was on the edge of death. I was going through the worst depression of my life, one that constrained me to my bed for 3 days. He was nice and caring and the best thing to ever happen to me. He was my everything for almost a year and a half, but then he left without reason and has been gone ever since.
I was all too kind and nice to him, because I wanted him to stick around and I was head over heels in love. I was truly in love, something that I believe you go through once in your life. Sure you can find love anywhere, but how many times can you find true love? ONCE. That's it. And my true love walked out the door and said I was "too much to handle" and that he "didn't love" me anymore.
How does that happen?
The week before I went up to visit him and I broke up with him. Honestly, I did. But he sat on his bed in his dorm, curled up into a ball like a baby, crying his heart out, incapable of moving. He told me no, don't leave, I need you, you're the best thing to ever happen to me. I love you Courtney, please don't do this. I watched him crying there for an hour and I comforted him, but didn't change my mind. When I was finally about to leave, I could see how much this pained him, so I took it back. I took back those words of "I can't be with you anymore. It's over." I took it back, because I could see how much he loved me and needed me. I could see that he truly loved me and that he wanted it to work, and would do anything to make it work. I could see all that in his hour of weakness.
Next day it's our one year, 5 month anniversary. So I get a text message, like I have been every month on our anniversary since the beginning of our relationship. The message is quite long, but basically the message ends like this "I am so proud of us that we have made it for so long and I hope so dearly that we can make it last. Happy anniversary Courtney darling."
One week passes, he breaks up with me. Oh wait, the best part is that same day, he was telling me how much he was glad I stayed with him and how happy he was.
WHERE DID I GO WRONG? WHAT CHANGED?
How do things go from all of that, to nothing?
He left my life that day. We haven't talked much since. I've tried talking to him, but he just ignores me.
I needed to let whoever reads this know that. Because if you can make any sense out of it, then I need you to help me understand. Please, help me.
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4 comments:
I realize that I have never spoken to you, but I'm friends with you on Facebook. Weird, I know. Regardless of that, I read your status and ended up here. First of all, you are not an idiot. Second of all, I wish that I could tell you what changed, but I can't. I can tell you that I understand exactly what you're going through. I know where you are. I've been there. It is, excuse my language, hell on Earth. My advice to you is to take things one day at a time. Don't focus on why he did what he did because that's something that you'll never know unless you ask him. Realize that this isn't your fault. God threw this at you for a reason. He wouldn't have put this in your path unless he knew you could handle it and come out of it a stronger person.
I don't know if this has helped at all, but I couldn't stop myself from commenting this.
hey mam,
I read the blog...obviously or I wouldnt be commenting. I think that me giving advice will probably sound stupid because I am not an expert, though I have been threw some stupid life changing bull crap, but I wanted to encourage you to hold on to the plans of the Lord, I guess to us it seems unfair but there is not always an answer that makes sense or that we like and thats his way of asking us to have faith. I dont want to sound preachy either because I know in these situations you can seek the lord and still feel like nothing works. But He is there :D
Thank you Victoria, although I have heard most of that before, but still, thanks :]
And Dale, thank you as well :] I can see the good that God has been doing in my life, but there's still just a lot of confusion.
WOW!!! That is intense! Well I will love you no matter what. We might not agree on things, but I will never stop loving you! That sounds a little creepy, but it is true. Well to answer your question, it does not make sense. That is really strange. Well I don't know what to say because it is such an odd situation and you seem very hurt. I would give you a hug, but you are not here. Ha ha.
This blog thing keeps saying my password is wrong so I'm sending it as anonymous, Katie Reynolds
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