I want it all.

This was posted on November 7, 2008.

But who can blame me?
Don't we all want it all?

I'm finally the person I've always wanted to be. I've finally got my priorities in line and know exactly what to do and what to say. I can think things out and see exactly the way they'll go. I can see when a friend is hurt and needs a hug. I can see when I'm about to go too far.I love the flaws in people. I can see that I give my heart away to everyone, sometimes I get hurt, but I know I've changed a life. I can and do change lives everyday, and when you're older, you'll see that. You'll see exactly the impact I had on you. I've made you a better person.

I curse too much. I get angry all too easily. I make jokes that should never be said.I listen to bad music and sing it often. I'll interrupt a conversation to say something totally unnecessary. I'm a procrastinator and don't do my homework or study. I have terrible obsessive compulsive disorder. I can get a little controlling. I hate people for no reason, but then see how terrible I'm being. I'll stick a prank note in your locker just to watch your reaction. I talk about people behind their backs.

I've working on fixing my bad behaviors. And keeping the good ones. I've got my amazing old friends who have been there for me through a lot. I've got my new friends who have surprisingly been the most helpful and caring over the last two weeks. I've got friends who I turned my back on, but accepted me with open arms.

The only thing missing in all of this is him. The boy that I gave my entire heart too. The boy that I loved to the ends of the earth. The boy that I cared for more than I cared for myself. The boy that I knew I would protect and care for until the end of time. He's the only thing missing in this wonderful bliss called my life.

I'm getting better, I know I am. It doesn't hurt nearly as much and I know that there is so much better out there. And that in time, someone incredible will come along. But what happens when you don't want better? When you want to be with someone that isn't the best for you? I can move on and live with someone else, but I know I can't live without him.

I've recently come back to God after being an atheist for 4 months. I'm so amazed at what he's already done for me in the short time that I've come back to Him. He's definitely helped me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just need to start praying for patience. Because I can see the long road in front of me, and it's filled with curves, bumps, and hills.

This is just a collection of my thoughts. So if you sat here and read it, well then you know what I'm thinking :]