Growing up and learning about the world.

I haven't posted on here in a long long time.

Since then, I've started college. Gaining friends and losing friends. Learning lessons and making mistakes. I've failed time and time again and been ahead of the game more times than necessary. I've gotten my heart broken and fallen in and out of love so easily. I've forgot what it meant to love and stopped believing in it for the longest time. It's been a long journey, but I'm loving every minute of it, even if some of those minutes I've been sad or mad or confused or frustrated. It's all going to be worth it in the end. I just know it.

I'm never going to give up. There may be times when I think about calling it quits, but I know that I'm meant for something bigger than all of this and that eventually, in time, I'll have everything and more. It will all be worth it. It will all be grand.

"I’ve got another confession to make."

Every time I see you, I get butterflies.
Every time I hear your name, my heart leaps a thousand feet.
Every time your name pops up on my cell phone, I can't help but get the biggest smile ever.

I love you and I hope some day I can tell you, but until that day I'll just sit idly by and hope that you're happy.

I hope whoever holds your heart right now makes you happy. I hope she makes you feel the way I feel about you, because you deserve to feel this way. You deserve everything. You are the most amazing soul in my entire world. Words can not even begin to describe how wonderful you are (which is odd, because words are used for the sole purpose of describing.)

I hope someday I can share with you how I feel, because I've felt this way for years now, but I will continue to wait, because I don't want to lose you now, not when I need you the most.

I love you. I love you with everything that I am. I hope someday you will love me too.

Discovering the truth.

I'm not me without him.
I'm not happy without him.
I'm a blob in the world, a talking, walking blob.

I thought after 6 months, I wouldn't think about him as much, I couldn't care as much, I wouldn't love as much, but no, I think I think about him more, care about him more, and love him more now then I ever did when we were together. I've realized my mistakes and I've realized what I could have done differently.

I should have fought for him, for us, but instead all I did was cry to him. That's not fighting, that's being a little girl wanting to get her way.

I'm not strong. I'm not who I thought I was. I'm not sure I'll ever truly be okay without him in my life.
If he's reading this right now, I hope he can see how much I need him, how much I miss him. I love you and I know I will always love you, even on the worst days, I'll love you.

So maybe I have depression, but what's a girl supposed to do when she has no hope and the world is falling apart.

Love is a powerful action.

I think that there is a slight chance I'm falling in love.
In love with the world around me and people and objects and a beautiful, beautiful special person.
This time, I'm ready to fall flat on my face.
I'm ready to get hurt.
God is amazing and will always be there for me. With that in mind, how can I even begin to be afraid to fall?
I'm not afraid to put myself out there to the world anymore, because no matter what I will have my God behind me 100 percent of the way. He will never abandon me. He will never call me stupid. He will never laugh when I get hurt. He will always be loving and kind and whole-hearted. I am crazy in love with my Savior and know that through everything, I can always trust in Him.

So here I am world, I'm ready to fall.
Catch me or throw me to the ground.
I'm ready.

Times are changing and so am I.

I'm finally happy with who I am. I've discovered who I want to be and who I think God wants me to be, whether this is who I'm supposed to be forever or not, who knows.
Last week was Miss Liberty and since then my outlook on life has completely changed. I've made a bajillion new friends and I'm not afraid to just do something now. If I want to talk to someone, I'll do it, rather than spending 20 minutes whimpering and then deciding I don't want to talk to them.
This Sunday, my faith in God changed. I finally become a true believer and have started to live my life the way He wants me to.

Life is good :]

And yet, there's still that void. That hole in my life that sucks away all the happy. I need to find love. That's the only thing that will fill the void. Whether it be love with a person, with God, or with a hobby, I just need to find it somewhere, because the void sucks.

Blah, I'm so tired and can't think logically. So I think that's it.

Oh, also, random, some people really creep me out, so I avoid them. That's not wrong, is it?

Broken beyond repair.

Warning: this is another blog of teenage heartbreak. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I've been trying to figure things out lately. Things about myself, things about other people, events in my life, just everything.
I've been trying to figure out why I can hide my feelings so well from other people.
I've been trying to figure out why I can help a friend or person out always, but never know how to deal with my own life.
I've been trying to figure out why my friends are always so confident that I can do something, but when I fail miserably, they still think I can do it.
I've been trying to figure out why people I thought cared about me, can't even notice when I'm upset.
And most importantly, I've been trying to figure out why my heart still clings to a boy who shattered me.

I wasn't able to put the things he gave me away until about 3 weeks to a month ago (and he broke up with me about 3 months ago). I finally felt like I was headed in the right direction, but then it came to a point in my life where I absolutely needed him and no one else would do. Here's why: a year ago, we had to put my dog to sleep, it was a very tragic event, he was my best friend, I had him since I was a child, I don't want to talk about it, because it still hurts. Last year, he was here for me, he was the only one here for me in fact. He was super helpful, because he lost his best friend a few years before and knew exactly what I was going through.
I thought, surely, he'll help me out, at least for this week. He knows how much I need him right now, how much I just need someone telling me everything will be alright. He's been there, he knows what I need.
Well, turns out, I was wrong. I don't know why, but he's been completely heartless towards me. I still don't understand what happened, why we broke up, why we can't be friends. I've gone over it a hundred times and still can't figure it out.

So, after that event, I decided I had to move on. He's been a complete jerk and what he just pulled was the most heartless thing I've ever seen anyone do. So, I made a list. Two actually.
One list was reasons I don't need him in my life, while the other was reasons I do need him in my life.
I figured let's start with the reasons I do need him in my life, that'll probably be shorter. So I started writing, and writing, and writing, and when I finally stop, I notice that I'm at about 100. So I put the list down, because this is absolutely ridiculous, but my mind keeps pulling me back, again and again and again. Let's just say when I finished I had 124 legitimate reasons why he should be back in my life.
So then I start the list of reasons why I don't need him back in my life, hoping it will be longer, considering I'm doing this so I can move on from him. The end result: 22 reasons and some of them were extremely dumb.

I can't figure it out, but for some reason this doesn't feel right. I feel like I'm in a dream or something. I'm still terribly in love with a boy that broke my heart into a million, billion pieces. I thought that I could get passed him, move on, be content with life where I am, but it's turning out to be harder than I ever imagined.

I just don't understand it. When everything about a relationship feels right, how does it fail?

I've considered that he just wanted someone to pass the time with. But that didn't make sense. I thought maybe he just wanted someone to spend his senior year with, but then I realized, no, that's not it. What about someone to spend the summer with? No, that's not it either, because that summer we talked about breaking up (or a break or whatever) while he went away to college, that way we could still be friends if he did meet someone or whatever. But that can't be it either, because he rejected that idea, numerous times. He came down for homecoming and I swear there was another girl, but he said no, and I believed him. I do believe I even told him that if there was, I'd step away, because I don't want to hold him back from something or someone better. So I just don't understand what happened.

I know that I made mistakes during that relationship, but so did he. And I realize now how much I took him for granted, but I just can't understand any of this. And that's why I'm still clinging to him. That's why I'm still hopelessly in love with a boy who could care less about me.
But who could blame me? I found my perfect boy. I found true love. How many times does that happen in life? Once.

That's how I feel inside. That's what's going on in my life. That's why I'm not myself lately. That's what's been wrong with me for the last 3 months.


That's all I have to say. Night reader.

Spread the word, spread the word.

I know this is already on Facebook, but it just had to be here too.

It finally hit me today: I'm going to be a high school graduate in less than 4 months and will be headed off to college pretty soon.
At first I was pretty excited, but then I became nervous, and then I realized just how much I'm truly going to miss high school. You'll never experience anything like it again. You'll never be with all of these people again. In fact after graduation, after summer, you'll probably only end up talking to maybe 5 people from high school, if that.
Today I also realized how I've wanted to get to know so many different people, but never have even gone up to talk to them. We could have been really good friends. We could have hung out all the time. Alas, I will never know, unless I decide to finally go up and talk to them, which I am encouraging everyone one of you about to graduate to do.
This is our last year together, our last semester, so let's make it a good one.
Take risks.
Forgive people.
Be a friend to all.
And don't be afraid to be yourself.

I'm a dork, I know, and this probably was just a bunch of blah, but I know it will mean something to someone, and that's all that matters to me. Because even if I only help one person, at least I made a difference.

:]

Chilly nights bring lots of thoughts.

I have come to the conclusion that people suck and that I will no longer work harder to make other people happy when I'm not happy myself.
Today alone I have put at least 10 other people first and made sure that they were completely satisfied with where they were. I used to take comfort and delight in making other people happy.
I used to honestly want to put myself second to the world.
But now that I see how unhappy I am and how little I do for myself, I'm putting people last. Not first, not second, last. Sound harsh? No way. Check this out.
Whenever someone needs help or is having a rough day, they come to me and I immediately put whatever I'm doing aside and help them out. Boyfriend/girlfriend just broke up with you? I'll reassure you that things will get better without saying all that dumb stuff you've heard before. Feeling down about yourself? I'll write you a love letter than makes you feel a billion times better. Best friend got into a fight with you? I'll lend you my shoulder to cry on and listen to you vent.
But as soon as I need something, those people are gone. This has happened more than once and I can't do it anymore. I give so much and all people do is take, take, take. I mean I know that God put me here on this Earth for a reason and one of those reasons was to help those in need and expect nothing in return, and I've been doing it, but it's hard. If someone could just say "Hey, you're doing a really good thing, keep doing it." That'd be really helpful. Motivation is really what I need right about now.

I'm going to start putting myself first, because I haven't been truly happy in a really long time. I keep depending on other people to make me happy and it totally isn't happening. And when other people start making me happy, they always leave. People are always leaving my life and I don't know why. So I need a reliable source to make me happy: what better source then myself.

The little engine who could(n't).

I thought I could, I really thought I could, but I just can't try anymore.
I thought I had moved on from Jack or at least was on my way. I thought I could get by without thinking about him or whatever. In fact I've realized how big of a jerk he was and all the terrible things about him, but still, my heart longs for him. I miss him so much.
Tonight we were both at the same party, seeing each other for the first time in months. He ignored me and avoided me the whole night, I honestly thought things were better, that we could at least try being friends, but he still wants nothing to do with me. I wish I understood why. I wish I understood what I did. But I don't.

I'm breaking. And I think it might actually be worse than the first time.
I don't understand how everyone else is moving on and I'm still stuck here, wishing I had Jack back.

I hate my life.
I hate my feelings.
I hate being confused.
I hate everything.

Thanks for being here my friend, we're gonna do this one together.

I can't believe I went a whole week without being on this thing. I can't believe how empty my life felt without it. I actually missed blogging.
Well I definitely didn't figure out who I was in a week and I'm definitely not anywhere closer to it, but I know that it's going to be a bumpy road and that I can't do it alone.

In less than 36 hours it will be the new year, and I can honestly say that I have never looked forward to anything as much as I am looking forward to 2009. This year has seriously been the worst year of my life, in all almost 18 years of my life, no year has ever been as difficult and heart breaking as this one.
So here's to 2009! I'm ready for you :]

Goodbye.

Well, I'm going away for a while.
I just can't share any more of my thoughts through writing anymore, because I never actually listen to myself. I need to figure out who I am and what I believe, and it needs to happen soon.
I realize in a few days I'll probably come back to this, I always do, but I really need to figure things out.

I'm finally doing what I've been wanting to do for a while now, figuring out exactly who I am.

Goodnight and goodbye.
Until next time reader.

All smiles from now on, mostly.

I'm going to be just fine.
Today when I passed Jack's house on my way home, I just laughed. I know that he is going to realize some day just what he lost, because they always do, and even if he never does, then I don't care.
I'm going to be just fine. In fact, I'm going to be better than fine, I'm going to be marvelous :]
Tonight was pretty much the best night I've had in a while, and I'm really glad I left my comfort zone and hung out with people I wouldn't normally. I am so in love with tonight :D
It has brought me to my senses. I hope anyways.

:]
Good night.

I'm no superman.

I'm not as strong as I thought I was.
I added him as my friend already. I hope he rejects it.
Then I'll know that he cares absolutely nothing about me and maybe my brain will finally realize that it needs to move on.
Speaking of moving on though, there's this boy that I might really like. I'm not sure yet and I don't want to make up my mind just yet. I think I'm going to make the first move though and ask him out on a date. Maybe.

Well, that's me for the day. It was an okay day. Not really. I don't know.

Until later, night.

Late hours of the night leave open room for writing.

Insomnia kicks me in the butt again. I can't sleep, my iPod is broken, I've watched every movie we own, and no one is awake.
So here I am, on my own personal blogger, blogging.
Well, tonight I did something I'm actually very proud of, but know I will soon regret. I deleted Jack as my friend on Facebook. It had gotten so bad that I would check his page almost every day, just to make sure he was still there. I had to delete him, he's not a part of my life anymore. At least the other people who just sit there will say hi if I said hi to them, he simply ignores me.
So tonight I deleted him as my virtual friend, something I'm going to have to try to keep him as, because I know I'm going to be trying to add him again soon.
But for now, I'm proud of myself.

I've been trying to figure a lot of things out lately and have come up with no conclusions. I'm beginning to question why I do some things. I think I like attention. I don't try enough. I'm never satisfied with who I am. I loved who I was two months ago, but then I became a shattered soul. Heck, I loved who I was last week, but something has changed since then and I can't quite figure it out.

I've started writing in my own personal journal again, which is a good thing since I'm not willing to share myself completely with the world wide web. It's also become a dream journal. I had a really weird dream the other night, but I can't remember it. I hope I wrote it down.

I realized tonight how much I missed out on this year. Well I guess I didn't miss out on much, but I never documented what I did. I was going through pictures from this year to remind myself of everything and almost every album I opened was filled with pictures of Jack and I. Most of them I could skip right over without giving a second glance, but then I came across one that completely shattered me. It was the most beautiful picture I had ever seen and I began to cry, because I spent my whole year with a boy who isn't even in my life anymore. That kind of sucked.

I don't really feel like anyone listens to me anymore, but then again I am sitting here at 3 AM talking about random things that no one really cares about. Hmm, I'm hungry. I suppose I will end this post now.

If your out there reading, I'm moving on. I realize I'm better than you and you never deserved someone like me. I just hope I can actually move on. I don't know why I haven't yet. Something must be wrong with me.

Good night reader.

Your perfect verse is just a lie you tell yourelf to help you get by.

I lost my love for winter and snow
about two months ago.
You took my heart when you left
I know I'll never forget.
I'll never forget any moment or dream
it's safe to say I'll remember everything.

Remember when we stayed up all night
or when you took away all my fright?
Remember when we first met
that's something I won't soon forget.
Remember how I called you pumpkin
or when we stole you a green bin?

My heart is still yours
even after you walked out that door.
This life of mine is empty
but I can't know, I'm "only seventeen."
You were my everything, my life
you said "I want you to be my wife."

I don't know what I've become
because all I am is numb.
Someday you'll see what it's like to feel down
but I'm hoping I won't be around.
My love for you still burns
and you're always where my head turns.

I know someday I'll find
someone worthy to stand beside.
We'll hold each others hands
while listening to our favorite bands.
We'll laugh and sing
and someday give each other rings.

Sure, I'll look happy and content
but my heart will still be broken and bent.
You were the one it was supposed to be
it was always gonna be you and me.
I guess it's safe to say you're not coming back
good thing you had already packed.

I have always and will always
love you for all of my days.
Your memories will always haunt
and I'm positive they'll taunt.
But darling dear
I just want you here.

So here's a hint I'm trying to give you:
I can't get by a moment without you.

Here we go, the season of love.

I hate winter. HATE.
It used to be my favorite season, because I love the cold and I love the snow. Today I even walked around in a tank top, that's how nice it felt to me.

Today was the perfect day. I had a great day teaching my preschoolers, then played some "football" with some pretty awesome dudes. Then I went to service and enjoyed myself. Then I hung around talking with some friends I haven't seen in a while, one of which I have the most ridiculous crush on ha. Then I went to Ben and Jerry's and Mellow Mushroom with Karl and Bryan and had an awesome time. Then I went to see Alice in Wonderland, which was great, and then Chris randomly sat with us, even though he didn't remember any of us. Which was just hilarious, not that you have any clue what I'm talking about. Then went to Starbucks and walked around downtown freaking people out. And now I'm at home watching Step Brothers. It was the perfect day.

But somehow, none of that matters anymore, because I just feel a lot of hate. I don't even know what it's toward either.
I guess I just realized today how lonely winter is without a lover now. The past two winters, I've had people here with me. And before that, it was just winter and wonderful. But now that I've gotten used to having someone I love with me around winter time, I miss that, and I want it back. I want someone to make a fire for me and snuggle up with me next to it for hours. I want to drink hot chocolate like no one's business with that special someone. I want to go Christmas shopping for hours to try to find the perfect gift for them. I want to kiss someone under the mistletoe. I want to kiss someone when the ball falls for the new year. I want to play in the first snow of the winter with a beautiful boy. I want to stay up all night talking on the phone with him, hoping that school will be canceled the next day. I want to go ice skating and hold hands and fall down together on purpose. I want to go to midnight service on Christmas Eve with that special boy. I want to wear his jacket, because mine isn't enough. I want to walk around in the cold, but not care about it, because I'm with the person I love. I want love.

I hate winter now and I know that the reasons I listed aren't very good reasons, but they are enough to have brought down the perfect day. Seriously, it was the perfect day. Another bad ending to a good day. Damn.

I've never been here before.

I've been making progress and then taking it all back and going back to step one. Then making more progress, screwing it back up, and going back to step one. Finally I thought I was making an extremely large step, but now I feel like crap again and like I'm about to go back to before even step one.

I started reading this book and kept thinking, woah, this is really helpful. I'm reading this book for a small group/devotional thing that Olivia and I are starting. It's a call from God that I never expected. I've never felt like I had that much purpose before. I know this is what I need to be doing and where I need to be, and I never would have done this had God not pushed me out into the open. Had my heart not been completely broken and shattered, I never would have realized that I needed to start this group. And I know that what God has me doing is going to be amazing and change the lives around me as well as myself, but I still hurt. And I still feel that pain every day.

I feel so dead inside. On Thursday night, Olivia and I picked out the book that we were going to use for this group of ours. We felt so alive and free. I felt so excited and happy and if nothing could go wrong. I really felt like I had a purpose. I still feel those things, they have just become numbness though. Everything is numb. Everything is dead. I don't understand this. I finally had something good going for me. I was doing what God wanted me to do. Why do I still feel numb to everything but Jack?

I haven't made any contact with Jack in one whole week. None. And it's killing me. Maybe that's why I feel so dead. Because he still means the world to me and it's been a month and a half since we broke up. I feel like I lose more and more of myself every day without him. What happens when I lose all of myself? I can't let that happen, but I don't know how to stop it from happening anymore. I feel so useless. I don't even know what to do, and I always know what to do. Almost always anyways. I've never been to this place before, and I have to admit, I'm scared. I'm terrified.

Here's the truth.

I'm not good. I'm far from it.

So here's the truth. Don't read if you plan on being judgmental or a complainer.

I'm on the edge, about to go insane (literally) any second now. I have so much stuff to get done in such a short period of time. I've already missed a deadline. I was supposed to have sent in my application for the honors college at MTSU already, but I didn't finish it in time. So now when I apply, it's for the less challenging college. I need to finish the normal application for MTSU soon as well. I need to finish all of my crap for NYU and sign up to take the SAT subject tests and send my application off. Thing is my parents are lying to me, telling me this shit about "we don't have money", but then they go and buy my sister another $80 worth of shit from Hollister. So I have to borrow $65 from my sister, give it to my dad to put on his credit card, then have him pay for the application fee, then pay my sister back when my check from Vanderbilt comes in. I have a 5 page research paper due in a week and I still don't have my topic picked out. I also have to read a book and write a paper on it due in a week. Also have an ecology project due in a week. Oh then there is the $100 and billions of papers I need to send off to Lambuth soon. I need to memorize my lines for the play soon. My mom is in the hospital from surgery, can't go to work for the next 6 weeks, so we're going to have to find a new way of getting by for a while. I realized today just how much I'm in love with some asshole who never cared for me. I think about him all day, everyday, every minute. I try not to, but then something comes up and automatically my brain takes me back to a memory of something we did. And it sucks. Tonight I found a letter I wrote him and just reading it I can see how much I loved him and still do love him, if you'd care to read it just ask me. I'm on the weirdest sleeping pattern ever. I have insomnia, but the past few days I've been sleeping all day. And now I'm back to not sleeping. I've got crazy dark deep circles under my eyes. I recently went through a crazy medical scare and am still recovering from it. I've also been on a weird eating schedule. I either eat a lot for a few days or don't eat at all for a few days. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I've watched a billion movies in the past week and haven't enjoyed any of them, not even one of my personal favorites, The Hulk, but then again I did see it with Jack, so maybe that's why. My photography is slipping. It has been since he left me. There's just no motivation or meaning behind the pictures anymore. I can't get anything done anymore and I fear that I'm not good enough for anything or anyone. I think about suicide quite often and it gets really bad at night. I've only cut myself once, I also tried burning myself then too, but thankfully I had someone there to stop me, but now that person is out of my life and I fear that no one else will have enough influence to stop me. He really meant the world to me and was one of the only people who truly had influence in my life. I hope he reads this, even though I know he won't. I'm going to have to be hospitalized soon if I don't get better.

I can't keep going. It hurts too much and this is a lot for someone to take in all at once.
I don't want you to feel sorry for me, I just want you to know what I'm going through.

This about sums it up.

"For a time I thought there was a thief among us
I thought I'd track him down but prior to my pursuit
The smoke had cleared and to my disbelief
There was no thief cause it was me
That lost you

I guess it’s safe to say you’re never coming back
And I understand why you wouldn’t want to
I guess it’s up to me to find a way to get to you

And there’s just one last thing that I have to say
As we reflect on the mess of all of this I’ve made
It was cowardice that made me push you away
I was so afraid cause you were so much better than me

And I can’t see you
Getting used to
Living in the midst of your perfection
And I’m so lost
How can you trust
Somewhere the sun is always shining?


And there’s just one last thing that I have to say
As we reflect on the mess of all of this I’ve made
It was cowardice that made me push you away
I was so afraid cause you were so much better than me

I guess it’s safe to say you’re never coming back"

I couldn't quite find the words to sum it up, but then I heard this song. It sums it all up, everything. The entire of my last year. If my 2008 were a song it would be There Was No Thief by Relient K.
Shit.

So this is what it feels like.

First thing:

Have you ever sat there watching your phone ring, not answering it because you don't want to talk to that person. They call again, you just let it ring. They send you a text, you ignore it.
I used to do this to people a lot. Especially people I knew who were pulling the "boy who cried wolf" card. I'd also do this to Jack after we got into a huge fight. Once he called 18 times before I finally called back.

Tonight I realized just how much it sucks to hear someone's voicemail when you know they are sitting there watching their phone ring. You feel empty inside and not good enough. You know that if you keep calling, they are just going to get more angry. So you fight back calling again, despite how much you need them.

I'm never going to just watch my phone ring while someone is trying to get a hold of me. Never.


Second thing:

The real reason why I'm not obsessed with Twilight like the rest of the world. The truth is at some point, I was. I read it my sophomore year for a project and then read the second book. They weren't the best books, but the third book would come out soon, so it was something to look forward to. I fell in love with the third book. I remember sitting at the beach with Olivia, rushing to read it. It took less than 24 hours I'm pretty sure.
After a month though, my obsession with the book and Edward ended. The reason why? I had my own Edward. I had my own reality that was so much better than some book could ever be. I mean sure, Edward was perfect in every single way, but he's just a fiction character. I had my own boy who was far better than Edward could ever possibly be. He was the perfect boy. Perfect in every way.

That's why I'm not obsessed with Twilight, because I didn't need some book to hide in.


Third thing:

I wish the world would stop feeding me crap. I know that pain goes away with time, God wouldn't put me through something I couldn't handle, I'll find someone better. Don't you think I've heard all this before? Of course I have. I've been hearing this crap since elementary school. If I could open up my heart to everyone, then maybe they'd understand, maybe then they'd actually start feeding me words I haven't heard before.
I want people to stop underestimating me. I want people to understand what I'm going through. I want people to stop pretending to be someone they aren't. And finally, I'm ready for someone to stick around. I stopped believing in best friends, because so far this year, one of them died, one of them broke my heart and ran for it, and one of them turned out to be a total liar. I'm ready for a best friend. FINALLY.